Nov
21
Football
Filed Under Life, Psychology
In order to attempt to resolve 15 years of tension headaches, in which I have tried many routes to health, I have at last decided to undergo psychotherapy. I deferred partly because of the associated (but unwarranted) stigma, partly because the NHS denied me this route when I tried a number of times (claiming it inappropriate for headaches), but also because it is not cheap, especially when you are not earning much money. Not earning much money because of tension headaches.
The dialogue between myself and the excellent therapist is a private matter. But one underlying theme that emerges is that my lack of self esteem manifests itself as a prennial tendency to apologise for myself. So, naturally, I am trying to remedy this negative stance. To amazing effect yesterday and today.
Mid afternoon, I decided to play football, in spite of pouring rain. And in spite of not feeling physically so well. I ignored my physical plight, and focused on enjoying the run out and general exercise. But I set out to stand up for myself when players took the p**s out of me, as they tend to do. And also, not to apologise so much when I make mistakes.
I did quite well on these, but still maintain it appropriate to apologise when I make a bad pass, as it lets the team down.
But what happened in the game was a total, stunning surprise. I am still overawed by it all. But I have to explain some background before I can reveal precisely what.
I am 52 and 3/4 years old. I play on the right wing, and characteristically describe myself as a poor footballer, with some ability at crossing the ball. I play a simple game, where I play wide, in space to receive and then pass the ball. I rarely succeed in tackles, and very very rarely dribble with the ball, lacking confidence, and ability.
My mind focused on avoiding criticism, and minimising apologies, I set about the game. Early on, I received the ball with a player in front of me. Nornally, I would pass the ball swiftly. Or lose it. There would be a certain urgency and often panic. But this time, I played calmly, waited for my opponent to make a move, and I flicked the ball past him.
Sure, I have done this before, but I did this maybe a dozen times. More than I have done the whole year in all probability. Of course, it did not always work, but I did not let it affect my self esteem. I continued to try, relishing the game opening out before me. New possibilities were presenting themselves. I nutmegged my friend Steve. And all 5 corners I took were spot on.
It slowly dawned on me that this is not how I normally play. You know, it never ceases to amaze me how profoundly different changes in how we feel can take sooo long to reach our conscious awareness.
I was still apologising for mistakes, but I was now aware not only that others were too, and that every other player on the pitch (apart from Jumbo) were making mistakes. This was a new level of awareness. I was actually seeing reality.
For years now, my belief that I am not a good player has made me play within myself. Excruciatingly so. And this belief has also blinded me to this reality that I am not so different from those around me. Mistakes are rife in all of us. (Except Jumbo. But twice, I tackled him successfully).
I also noted that one player I admire failed to pass to me in space on a number of occasions, often losing the ball. He admitted this afterwards when I questioned him.
Now you are not me, and you may be mildly interested in this little story. To me, it is stunningly profound. To you, it should be also. It shows that a belief can become self fulfilling even when it works against you. And for not just days or week, but years and years! My belief blinded me to any reality that might contradict it. If this is the case, how many other beliefs do you and I hold that work against us?
If you want to read about a man who studied the staggering stubbornness of our habits, in spite of the fact that they often work against us, then F. M. Alexander is your man. He introduced the Alexander technique to the World.
I can cite another example. My sister is a very capable and well respected secondary school Maths teacher. Yet when 20, she failed Maths at Uni. And in another Uni failed again. I recently learned that because I had gained a 2-1 degree in a Maths based subject, my poor sister had a chip on her shoulder, believing herself to be inferior to me. Not just in Maths, but in the intellectual sense, I feel (but not linguistically, I should add).
This sorry plight persisted until about 3 years ago, when she enrolled in an OU Maths degree. She laboured through much of the material, but unlike at Uni, she could work at her own pace, and get to grips with concepts that had blocked her progress in the past. She not only got distinctions on many assignments, but she was awarded a 1st class honours degree.
The bouyancy in her self belief this generated has rarely deserted her, and I am so pleased at how she has grown in stature. Her former struggles, couplwed with her naturally empathic personality makes her a very special teacher. But how sad that 20 years should pass in a humbled state, sustained by a belief that was based on a distorted view of her abilities.
But the point is, it takes some significant action to make the mindset change to reverse the self-punishing habit. F.M.Alexander spent many months and years determining this. His work was related to how we hold our bodies. But the principle applies equally to our mental habits.
And one final example. I was marginalised in woodwork classes at school. I was slow and missed out on any sense of achievement. In my 30’s I discovered that I was actually very capable at woodwork. But only at my own pace and in my own way. (See www.neilmoffatt.co.uk).
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Nice story and very relevant to everyday life I think.
In general I found that confidence plays a big role in our ability to succeed. Doesn’t mean if you always confident you will always succeed, but increased confidence does increase our chances greatly I think (doesn’t mean that if I’m super confident that I can do a heart-transplant that I can or should be allowed to - same goes for driving a 10 ton truck if you never did it before :).
The reverse is also true, the more inadequate or inferior we feel for whatever reason the higher the chance of failure.
Many times in my own life I’m sure the fear of failure made me fail in certain things (sometimes before even really trying) rather than not having the ability to do it. So one’s confidence levels plays a big factor. So to be successful think positive and surround oneself with people who makes one feel confident and positive…