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I have had the best night of sleep for over a week and feel fabulous. But it may be in part due to an experiment I carried out.

At 4:30, bird twittering awoke me. As I relaxed, each tweet arrested any slide into sleep. So I told myself to let the sound ride over me. It did not, alas, happen. But eventually I fell asleep.

Only to awaken again at 5:30 to the louder sound of seagulls.  I guess you get an idea of what can happen to a sensitive soul.

This time, I was able to ignore them better, and drifted to sleep again.

But underlying this was a resurrection of an attitude that has faded since I finished writing my book on health. Namely that I had gradually become drawn into letting events and how I feel determine how life is going. I was now therefore aware of a need to recreate an attitude that allows me to enjoy each day regardless of what happens. This background to my efforts to ignore birdsong was necessarily a positive one, replacing the negative frustration that has infused such early morning awakenings recently.

So when I slept on to nearly 8:00, I awoke feeling uplifted in mood in addition to wonderfully rested from a complete cycle of sleep. The change of attitude lifted my mood. By seeing the World differently, I felt happier. You do not need a new iPhone, or a big day out to be happy. It is the attitude that you bring to life that determines your level of happiness, and I had lost the plot on that one for a while.

So it was time for me to correct my ways. But I have to say that it has been very difficult this week when my daily focus to relax and holiday has  been heavily compromised by day long heavy tiredness from poor sleep. It is easier to focus on the daily events and ignore how bad you might feel when those events engross you. Relaxing does not distract you very well for how you feel.

I have finally concluded that my brain acts far too often in a way that is not best suited to my life. It acts contrary to my needs and desires and quality of health.

Much as I would like to rectify this situation, much of the behaviour and habits of the brain are delightfully submerged away from direct conscious control. By way of example, let em describe the start of my day today.

I awoke at 4:30 am. There were no obvious noises that I was responding to. And for sure, I had no desire or need to wake so early. I am actually on holiday and want to lie in! My brain decides otherwise. And never informs me why.

Fortunately, I was able to fall back to sleep for a couple of hours. When I awoke subsequently, I was obviously not fully rested. I needed an hour or more of sleep. Or that is how it felt. I no longer try to force myself to sleep. Or get irritable at being awake when I want to sleep. I just relaxed and drifted back to sleep.

Some short while later, my brain decided to awaken me so that I could listen to the faintest sound of a bird tweet. How on earth such a tiny sound could awaken me I have no idea. Quite why my brain should choose to waken me I have no idea. I would like to tell my brain to never ever waken me to the sound of any bird song again. Bird song is no reason to deprive me of sleep. But how to tell my brain? No idea.

Sleep was later disturbed by my next door neighbour’s alarm. It frequently wakes me before it does my neighbour who is lying right next to it.

I have sleepy sore eyes but can get no more sleep. And a headache also, just for good measure. And yes, my brain does not tell me why. I get up and can sense straight away that I cannot think clearly. The same as 4 other days this week. The stifled mental capacity lasts all day.

Conversely, when I do get that extra hour of sleep, I can think with utmost clarity and have boundless energy all day long. I literally go from one extreme to another, simply by virtue of 1 or 2 hours of sleep difference.

Knowing that failure to get the apparently requisite amount of sleep makes the relaxtion needed to go to sleep hard to achieve. It is all a big lottery as to wether I am dull or sharp minded. True, this is true of most people - they vary in mental shape each day. but it is matter of degree - I vary by vast amounts from one day to the next.

But oh to be able to tell my brain to let me sleep right through each day. To be able to operate at top level every day. Quite who would lose out if I could do this? I am not seeking money or things from others. Merely from myself.

Even in well intentioned and well disciplined Scientific Research, there is a tendancy to attribute the correlation of one thing with another as implying a causal relationship. As Professor Kirsch illustrates, the correlation between large heads and the liklihood of large hats upon said heads does not imply head size created the hat largeness. But there is a more subtle trap in the seeking of a cause for an effect that we all fall into from time to time.

When I try to tweak my lifestyle to enhance life quality, it invariably works. And I attribute the change to the effect of course. Except that the effect can partly and sometimes often be put down to optimism in the change that expresses as the placebo effect. So when someone says ‘the only things I did differently last week was to stop eating burgers’, you can be sure that they will be wide of the mark. They will have discounted placebo, and many other little things they will have differently also.

I thouroughly enjoyed my intense April book writing endeavours, not least because I proved to myself that I can work around my headaches and work almost full time hours, but also because I found myself deep in flow and was almost devoid of headaches. But more than this, I now realise that the effect - my ability to work hard and long - was caused not so much by effort and diligence, but more to the belief that I could achieve, coupled with the huge desire to achieve.

Now I am in editing mode - correcting and juggling hundreds of paragraphs of writing. And I found my headaches intruding again. And of course, this was because I was no longer in the flow - I was doing work that was bitty and required concentration. Until it occured to me that the return of the headache blight was more likely to be one of attitude than situation. So I visualised being in the flow again, and treated the editing process as a vital, flowing activity also. And lo and behold, the headaches lifted almost instantly, and my productivity soared.

This attitude is there to be tapped. You do not have to wait for the power of placebo. You just have to believe in change and it is likely to manifest itself.

If I were God, I would be aware of all that was happening. I would see that the man in that house over there was having a fitfull night of sleep the day before an important meeting at work, and I would calm him down, giving him the refreshing sleep that would enable him to operate effectively on that crucial day. I would indeed interfere.

Yet, this eminently sensible and compassionate is generally not permissible for God. He must leave us to get on with our lives.

This problem is morally and ethically isolated. Would, as God, stop a husband beating his wife? Of course. If I cared for and loved ‘my people’ as much as I am supposed to as God, then it is reckless to allow such pain to be inflicted. Would a cat owner allow a dog to maul her cat if she could interfere? Of course not.

But to punish the offender is treading on moral ground. Maybe allow the pain inflicted to be reversed - as the husband struck, it would be he that felt the pain, not his wife. But maybe I would be getting too involved now.

So I would question my purpose as God. Would it be to make life flow smoothly for all? Quite how much suffering should I remove? Removing all would people to be reckless - knowing that I would be there for them regardless.

To me, the removal of the staggering large amount of arbitrary and/or unfair suffering, examples of which I described above, would be the path to take. Being reckless is your own choice, and letting fate take a proportionate response is appropriate.

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) is a set of techniques for changing behaviours that do not serve you well. For example, if you tend to read expressions in others as meaning ill feeling towards yourself, yet do not communicate with them, you are essentialy mindreading - guessing the worst without concrete reason to do so.

One of the CBT ‘baddies’ is to project timewise - to extrapolate a minor problem now into something massive or enduring or both. This is one of my bad habits, alas.

When you embark on correcting behaviours using CBT, you have to repeatedly apply new ways of thinking. The unfortunate thing about catastrophising is that it can derail your CBT efforts - as soon as you encounter a regression to old habits, you project this forward as a permanent problem, and stop all progress rapidly. Or at least the inclination to do so will be there.

So it is my opinion that catastrophising should be one of the first unserving behaviours to address, even if it is not the easiest.

After just narrowly losing a game of Go on the Internet, I felt angry. I had made a silly mistake mid game and paid the appropriate price. And I have lost a little too many games lately, so my ranking is sliding.

There are two contexts relating to this.

First, that I had decided in December to play games with a focus on my play rather than the result or ranking. I had played well apart from the one mistake, recovering to lose by only 3.5 points.

Second, that  I realised that I was in a grumpy mood, and the game was merely an outlet for an expression of disgust with the World.

So I steppped back, averting a fit of pique at the very last moment, and pondered the situation. In the grand scheme of things, losing this game was near zero importance. Maybe if I was living in a war torn country, and the roof over my head had moments earlier collapsed, trapping me deep in rubble, my impending game defeat would have assumed a more appropriate perspective in my head.

When we do suffer something deeply, such as severe illness, and come out the other side, we are so happy to be buzzing with life that we vow never to get caught up by trivial matters. Yet how swiftly we get caught up the angst of tiny details. To keep your head above such details, and see them in the real context of life, such as the highly privileged one that we  have in the UK, is remarkedly difficult.

The irony here is that in games of Go, you quickly learn to step above the details and see the whole picture. It is just that transferring that to real life, even the matter of losing a game of Go, is hard.

Being endowed with the memory of a sieve, I cannot recall if I have addressed this matter before. If I have, I hope that I can at least supply a new spin on the matter.

There is some evidence to support my suspician that we are greedy by nature. This opportunist clamouring for all that we can grab almost certainly served us well in the past, where a short excursion to the supermarket was not a possibility.

But this greed is not limited to food. The drive is for greater status, assets, range of friends and so on. But the inevitable consequence of greed is an often repeated overshoot to excess. These individual overshoots are benign in themselves. It is an accumlated excess that fails to serve us.

If we step back, it is easy to see the opposite situation, where countless millions struggle to survive each day. Their life is severely compromised by the daily struggle for food, shelter and the work that might finance their supply.

Many a study has shown that a happy existance is not that far beyond such a struggle. As long as we do not struggle, as long as we have enough and a margin above this that creates a security blanket, then we have the foundation for happiness. Adding more, whether through greed or circumstance, does not have a proportionately enhancing effect on our lives.

Taken to an extreme, a submergence in excess cannot be healthy. Natural tendencies to stop eating when full are overridden by the attraction and ready availability of rich and tasty food. We can only live in one room at a time, no matter how many our mansion contains. And we flounder, lost for direction. When our drive to improve our life is gone - when we have all and more than we need, we are less. We drown in excess.

We cannot easily avoid the instinct to acquire an excess, but we can recognise when it does not serve us, and curb it’s message.

Contrary, I suspect, to the opinion of many others, I am very much aware that I have self focussed and blatantly selfish ways. If I did not have these, I would likely slot into the social frabric  more readily. But the self-centred streak is very much an instinctive part of my personality.

There are a number of points to make on this matter.

First, that I am not always self-centred. This does not permeate my every action. Indeed, I go to the other extreme, and can be very empathic and generous, often spontaneously so.

Second, the inherent difficulty with my variety of selfishness is that it can be inflexible. If I do not want to do something, I struggle terribly, for instance.

Third, that it is not inherently bad to be selfish. Albert Einstein might well have failed to achieve much if he had had a more easy going nature. A self focus can create an intensity that can achieve immense deeds. Selfish in terms of possessiveness  is a tricky one, however. It is harder to see a plus side. But Ifeel that I am not so tainted with this aspect.

This self-focus is described in me and others by a profile more than an absoluteness.  Much as I am sensitive in many ways, but insensitive in others.

But the key point I want to make is that self focus, along with many other seemingly negative attributes (such as aggressiveness) all have their place. It is, in a way, an inherent feature of intense researchers or writers or inventors or actors.

In order to attempt to resolve 15 years of tension headaches, in which I have tried many routes to health, I have at last decided to undergo psychotherapy. I deferred partly because of the associated (but unwarranted) stigma, partly because the NHS denied me this route when I tried a  number of times (claiming it inappropriate for headaches), but also because it is not cheap, especially when you are not earning much money. Not earning much money because of tension headaches.

The dialogue between myself and the excellent therapist is a private matter. But one underlying theme that emerges is that my lack of self esteem manifests itself as a prennial tendency to apologise for myself. So, naturally, I am trying to remedy this negative stance. To amazing effect yesterday and today.

Mid afternoon, I decided to play football, in spite of pouring rain. And in spite of not feeling physically so well. I ignored my physical plight, and focused on enjoying the run out and general exercise. But I set out to stand up for myself when players took the p**s out of me, as they tend to do. And also, not to apologise so much when I make mistakes.

I did quite well on these, but still maintain it appropriate to apologise when I make a bad pass, as it lets the team down.

But what happened in the game was a total, stunning surprise. I am still overawed by it all. But I have to explain some background before I can reveal precisely what.

I am 52 and 3/4 years old. I play on the right wing, and characteristically describe myself as a poor footballer, with some ability at crossing the ball. I play a simple game, where I play wide, in space to receive and then pass the ball. I rarely succeed in tackles, and very very rarely dribble with the ball, lacking confidence, and ability.

My mind focused on avoiding criticism, and minimising  apologies, I set about the game. Early on, I received the ball with a player in front of me. Nornally, I would pass the ball swiftly. Or lose it. There would be a certain urgency and often panic. But this time, I played calmly, waited for my opponent to make a move, and I flicked the ball past him.

Sure, I have done this before, but I did this maybe a dozen times. More than I have done the whole year in all probability. Of course, it did not always work, but I did not let it affect my self esteem. I continued to try, relishing the game opening out before me. New possibilities were presenting themselves. I nutmegged my friend Steve. And all 5 corners I took were spot on.

It slowly dawned on me that this is not how I normally play.  You know, it never ceases to amaze me how profoundly different changes in how we feel can take sooo long to reach our conscious awareness.

I was still apologising for mistakes, but I was now aware not only that others were too, and that every other player on the pitch (apart from Jumbo) were making mistakes. This was a new level of awareness. I was actually seeing reality.

For years now, my belief that I am not a good player has made me play within myself. Excruciatingly so. And this belief has also blinded me to this reality that I am not so different from those around me. Mistakes are rife in all of us. (Except Jumbo. But twice, I tackled him successfully).

I also noted that one player I admire failed to pass to me in space on a number of occasions, often losing the ball. He admitted this afterwards when I questioned him.

Now you are not me, and you may be mildly interested in this little story. To me, it is stunningly profound. To you, it should be also. It shows that a belief can become self fulfilling even when it works against you. And for not just days or week, but years and years! My belief blinded me to any reality that might contradict it. If this is the case, how many other beliefs do you and I hold that work against us?

If you want to read about a man who studied the staggering stubbornness  of our habits, in spite of the fact that they often work against us, then F. M. Alexander is your man. He introduced the Alexander technique to the World.

I can cite another example. My sister is a very capable and well respected secondary school Maths teacher. Yet when 20, she failed Maths at Uni. And in another Uni failed again. I recently learned that because I had gained a 2-1 degree in a Maths based subject, my poor sister had a chip on her shoulder, believing herself to be inferior to me. Not just in Maths, but in the intellectual sense, I feel (but not linguistically, I should add).

This sorry plight persisted until about 3 years ago, when she enrolled in an OU Maths degree. She laboured through much of the material, but unlike at Uni, she could work at her own pace, and get to grips with concepts that had blocked her progress in the past. She not only got distinctions on many assignments, but she was awarded  a 1st class honours degree.

The bouyancy in her self belief this generated has rarely deserted her, and I am so pleased at how she has grown in stature. Her former struggles, couplwed with her naturally empathic personality makes her a very special teacher. But how sad that 20 years should pass in a humbled state, sustained by a belief that was based on a distorted view of her abilities.

But the point is, it takes some significant action to make the mindset change to reverse the self-punishing habit. F.M.Alexander spent many months and years determining this. His work was related to how we hold our bodies. But the principle applies equally to our mental habits.

And one final example. I was marginalised in woodwork classes at school. I was slow and missed out on any sense of achievement. In my 30’s I discovered that I was actually very capable at woodwork. But only at my own pace and in my own way. (See www.neilmoffatt.co.uk).

Why is it that we humans have such a fragile capacity for sustaining relationships? Why is it that a difference in how a toothpaste tube is squeezed can undermine a marriage? Why do we look for the ‘perfect’ partner? Why, indeed, when we ourselves are far from perfect?

But why have we evolved to be so fussy in our social demands? To do and say the right things in company all the time is terribly stressful and demanding. Sure, when at home with our spouse, we let our hair down, and the barriers are lowered. But even then, there are a clear set of rules we must follow, or we suffer negative emotions from our partner.

But what purpose do all these rules achieve?

I suspect that the multiplicity is a consequence of how much we differ. But why should you or I get quite so upset and then alienated by someone, who, for example, says the wrong thing in chat with friends? Or someone who breaks the silence at a meal with an audible fart? Why are we so fussy? Why do we get affected so?

Maybe because the effort to accommodate  the diversity of people we meet requires a great effort of flexibility, and that if we see someone else not putting in that effort, we feel hard done by. Much like if we dilligently signal at every junction in our car, or strictly obey the speed limit, only for us to encounter others not hampered by these rules - we feel indignanant the lack of equity.

The divisive matter of toothpaste squeezing is merely a sense of loss of control - we want others to behave as we behave, and for the control we have on our difficult lives not to be compromised every day as it is when someone else squeezes the toothpaste tube in the wrong part.  We strive to maximise the way the World goes our way, and minimise the compromises on that, needed to suit social harmony. When it is our nearest and dearest who extends the compromise, then we feel particularly hard done by.

I am merely pondering possibilities here. If you, the reader, have any answers, I would be keen to hear.

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